House

(This is a sket I wrote for my improv troupe, in college.)

S: Hey, Evan. Wanna play House?
E: That's a girl's game. Why don't we play tag, or cops and robbers, or-
S: It is not just a girl's game. Daddy used to play with Mommy every day, so it's just as much a boy's game as a girl's.
E: Okay, I guess. How do we play?
S: Well, if we're going to play it right, we have to play Dating, first. I'm going to sit over here and read a play magazine, and I want you to ask me out on a date.
E: Okay... Hey, Sarah, let's go out on a date.
S: (in character) I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
E: Umm... yes? Didn't you tell me to-?
S: (under breath, giving directions) No, no, no- this is where you grovel and chase me when I play hard to get.
E: Oh, okay... (lowers himself to the ground, slightly in front of her) Like this?
S: A little lower. That's good. (places her feet on his back)
E: Do you want to go on a date, now, Sarah?
S: Well, I suppose that if you take me to the most expensive restaurant and promise me gaudy and pricey jewelry, I'll consider it.
E: Umm... okay.
S: Very well. (setting up for the next stage) Okay, now you sit on this chair, and we'll pretend we're in a restaurant.
E: (sitting hesitantly) Okay. You want a hot dog?
S: Hardly. I want the filet mignon, with the most expensive alcoholic drink on the menu. And the alcohol doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you, pig.
E: Uh- does that mean that are mom's aren't going to have us nap together-
S: (short tempered) When boys and girls are grown up and dating, the boys want to take naps more often, and the girls are supposed to say no.
E: Okay.
S: No, no- you're supposed to keep trying.
E: Please, Sarah, can't we nap together?
S: (freaking out) Don't push me, I'm not ready!
E: I'm sorry. Don't be mad, Sarah, I was only doing what you told me-
S: At least you've caught on to something. In fact, from now on in the game, whenever you're not sure what's going on, just apologize. That's the best way.
E: Okay.
S: Alright. Now that we've been dating for so long, you need to buy me a shiny rock and ask me to grace you with my hand in marriage.
E: (digs around in pocket) Will this do?
S: (examines carefully, shakes head) No, it needs to be bigger, shinier and cleaner.
E: (lowers to all fours to search the ground) Okay.
S: Have you proposed before? That's the perfect position.
E: Um-
S: Never mind. Just grab that big one, right there. Perfect. Now we can get married.
E: But I didn't ask-
S: It's okay, I know you need me.
E: Ok.
S: Say you do.
E: I do?
S: Okay- me, too. Now we're married. Carry me across the threshold!
E: What's a thresh hold?
S: The door to the huge house you've offered me as a gift for marriage.
E: Oh.
S: Well?
E: Oh, right. (struggles to lift her) Um, Sarah, I don't think I'm strong enough-
S: Are you saying I'm fat? I hate you. Why did I agree to marry you, you stupid, stupid man? (sobs melodramatically) You're cheating on me, aren't you- with Trisha, in Mrs. Nelson's class. I know it, just admit it!
E: I'm sorry?
S: I knew it! I want a divorce!
E: But Sarah, I'm sorry..
S: I don't want the kids. I just want all of your toys and the money from your piggy bank.
E: When did we get kids?
S: (feigning shock) Don't you dare act like they're not yours. They'll hear you, and then you'll have to pay for their therapy sessions.
E: I-
S: Well, (holds out hand) where's my alimony?
E: Ali-money? Is that like monopoly money? 'Cause I have some of that in my pocket-
S: That'll do. (he hands it over)
E: (growing antsy) Sarah, are we done playing House, yet?
S: Almost, almost. Before you leave, you have to tell me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, and ask me for one last nap.
E: Umm... you're the best thing that's ever happened to me... and can we still have our naps together?
S: (smacks him)
E: Sarah! You can't hit me!
S: Well, that's how House ends. You did want to end the game, didn't you?
E: Well, yeah- I guess.
S: Then I had to hit you, after you propositioned me.
E: What's a proposition?
S: What you got smacked for. After a divorce, boys always want to keep napping, but the girls have to say no. And then the whole game starts over.
E: Oh. Well, if we're going to play again, we should play House the way my Mom and Dad play it.
S: They're playing it wrong.
E: Shut up, Woman! When I lay down the law, you had better lay down dinner, and then lay down yourself for nap time!
S: Evan!
E: Don't raise your voice to me, Woman! (smacks her)
S: Evan, I don't want to-
E: (grabs her roughly) You like it- you know you do-
S: Evan, stop! Mom! Mom!
E: No, no, Sarah- don't call the authorities. I love you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it... I- I- I must've had too much root beer... I just got carried away.
S: Well, alright. (brief awkward pause) You know- maybe we should make up our own way to play House. I don't think out parents have been playing it right.
E: Yeah, I was wondering. They never seem to have too much fun, the way they play. So how should we start?
S: Well, we could play in the sand box, for a while, and then go get some peanut butter and jelly before we start our homework.
E: Cool. I have a new bucket we could use-
S: I'll get my shovel!

END